That one question we are asked by healthcare professionals, friends, family and nosy neighbours....

Saturday, 29 September 2012

Onwards and upwards

My two key words since recovering (see last post) have been positive and productive. I have eliminated what I considered to be problems in my life and have strove to be more pro active. I have done this in just three easy steps, as the advert would say ;-)

My first step was to get my medication back on track, I am not always the best at remembering to take them. Having done this, I have for the first time in years woke up naturally at an early-ish hour feeling alive and happy to be so. I have found that along with eating three proper meals a day and resisting napping as much as possible this has enabled me to live a more normal life. I still struggle slightly in the evenings as for many fibro suffers this is the time when we need someone there just to help a little bit. This could be practical help such as making dinner or it could simply be that we just need a cuddle and a blanket.

My second step was to stop burying my head in the sand when it comes to my finances. Now anyone on benefits knows how much of a struggle it can be just to pay the basic household bills and to budget successfully. It can be a common misconception that we simply don't know how to budget when in actual fact the problem is that there is not enough funds to do this. Since not working I have been unable to manage on the benefits that in total are less than half of my previous working wage. Having paid off two of my major credit cards and making cut backs where possible it seems I will now scrape through each month. This is a big weight off my shoulders.

My third step was to get my flat back to feeling like my home. I started by having a really thorough tidy up of everything from Cd's to beauty products, some of which had gathered an amazing amount of dust! I then tackled what was commonly known as my Narnia cupboard, if opened you were at severe risk of something landing on your head! It is now a fully functioning accessible storage cupboard, oh how proud I am of my beautifully organised cupboard! After a couple of bags taken down to the household waste site, a trip to a few local charity shops and just a small box of items to be put on e-bay my home is clutter free. With a lovely new air freshener and a no smoking policy implemented my home now smells lovely too :-)

Part of my plan to be more pro active sees me going to meet with some of the tutors at a local college to discuss courses. This idea was introduced to me by my wonderfully helpful personal adviser at the Jobcentre. The courses are funded by the colleges and are therefore free as I am claiming ESA. I understand there are some eligibility guidelines but if you're interested then talk to your local Jobcentre. I feel this will be a really positive experience as it will allow me to meet new people with similar interests, get me out of the house and allow me to use my brain again. Fibromyalgia can cause isolation from the outside world especially if you're unable to work and spend most of your time at home. My friends, family and of course lovely Twitter family keep me going day to day but I can't help but feel there should be more to my life. I miss working terribly and hope that one day in the not too distant future I will be back in the world of work.

I plan to take each day as it comes with a positive mental attitude!

What do you find helps you stay positive?

Take care for now

Marie x

Wednesday, 19 September 2012


The action of killing oneself intentionally.

Now as many of you know I have been finding life rather difficult, especially over the last month or so. I have disappeared off the radar somewhat these last few days. What with money worries mounting up, fibro flaring up and my two closest relationships busting up, life simply became unbearable. As I sat and calmly popped the amitriptyline tablets out of their foil packets I longed to fall asleep, fall away from all my troubles. 

I called William to tell him I loved him and that I was going to sleep now. I felt I had to say goodbye to him. 
After swallowing the pills down with a glass of water I had a very strange content feeling wash over me. I thought I done it, this was it now, I wouldn't have to suffer another day.

Reading this back it all seems so selfish. Suicide is often described as a selfish act due to the pain it causes loved ones. However those of you who have suffered suicidal thoughts will know it is far from it. I can only speak of my own experiences and say that at the time of taking the overdoses I truly believed it was the best course of action for not only myself but for those around me. I would no longer cause any stress and worry to my family and friends. I would no longer be a financial burden upon them. I would no longer cause trouble amongst them.

I awoke some 26 hours later to missed calls, voicemails, texts, emails, tweets... I was somewhat baffled. It would appear that I had put myself into a coma during this time. I had altogether no recollection of anything, I even tried to argue with William that I had spoke to him only 2 hours ago! As I slowly pieced together what had happened I couldn't decide if I was disappointed or relieved to be awake.

I am still in a dark place and unsure of my purpose in life. Having suffered for depression for many years this feeling is far from alien to me. To those who have never felt so desperately unhappy I guess it is all very difficult to comprehend. Some people struggle to empathise with my actions and are angry with me, say I'm stupid or just try to carry on as normal pretending nothing has happened. Everyone deals with the aftermath of attempted suicide differently. Personally I have spent lots of time away from my flat, escaping my troubles until I feel strong enough to face them again.

Mental health is far more common than most people realise... 

  • A colossal 450 million people worldwide are estimated to have a mental health problem.
  • It is estimated than 1 million people worldwide will die each year from suicide. 
  • In 2010 more than 5,700 of those deaths took place in the UK. 
  • Suicide remains the most common cause of death in men under the age of 35. 

With these statistics in mind why is mental health still such a taboo subject? 

Take care for now

Marie x